Our Place in the Water

Today would have been Bill's 43rd birthday.  It's a good day.  A day to celebrate a father and a husband, a brother and a son.  We are so blessed to have so many happy memories of him to share.  I am so thankful for all of the kind thoughts and prayers of those who have commented and posted on facebook.  Thank you so much for sharing his special day!

I decided to take advantage of our earlier-than-usual spring weather and went for a walk this morning.  I took a different route than usual, choosing the muddy, pothole-ridden path of dirt road that winds around the back of the lake.  It was a bit more challenging than the smooth paved road I normally walk, but I figured it would be more conducive to quiet meditation: fewer cars, fewer people to feel obligated to connect with.  I just wanted some quiet time alone...

I pulled up one of my favorite Nichole Nordeman songs called "River God" and listened to it a few times.  I have liked this song for many years and have heard it performed beautifully in a way that touched my heart by a friend from long ago.  Once in a while I listen to it and realize the words will always ring true throughout my life on this earth.

Have you ever held a "river rock?"  These are rocks that have become completely sanded and smoothed by years of water and sand washing over them as they lay in the deep river bed, or ocean bay, depending on where you are...River rocks are almost soothing to the touch, aren't they?  They are a pleasure to hold and run your fingers along, unlike rocks found on other terrain.  The latter have rough sides and sometimes sharp, jagged edges.  Trying to "pet" a rock like that won't bring much pleasure or peace--at best maybe a scratch or two.

The song address the topic of change.  Not the sudden  "turn your world upside-down and you've got to do something about it right now" kind of change, but rather the type of change that takes a lifetime to really embrace.  It's been five years since my world changed rather drastically on a dime, and I've spent that time trying desperately to seek, find, and conquer the changes that I need and want to happen in my life.  Often I try to look back and reflect on a period of a few weeks or months to find evidence of good changes in my attitudes and habits and reactions to things.  And I get impatient at my apparent "lack of results."  

In her song, Nichole speaks of God being the one who occasionally picks up and inspects the river stones, feeling them for more rough edges and cracks, and carefully settling them back into the deep of the riverbed, to endure more time of rushing icy waters and the refining abrasive sand.  Maybe I've been trying to do too many inspections by myself.  And maybe by doing so, I'm not giving myself enough time to be "weathered" by the elements God put in my path.  Perseverance...my teacher, my annoying, nagging teacher.  I'm not a very willing student.  I've always been a more "product-oriented" person who gains more satisfaction and gratification in the completion of something, rather than the "process-oriented" types who gain more from the process and are often fulfilled long before the end (if they even bother to finish).   But I can't help feeling like I'm taking myself out of the process too often, too soon, to appreciate the subtle changes that actually are happening.

Picture yourself back in school, sitting at a desk in one of the most boring, tedious classes you ever had to endure.  You are fortunate enough to be sitting near an open window, and you can sense the world awakening just outside:  spring birds chirping, chattering about where to build their nests; the smell of clean on the light breeze blowing in and across the room; the shadows of your hand being cast on your school desk by the warm, inviting sun.  But you look impatiently at the clock on the wall, and you realize you've just barely sat down and have almost an hour to wait to leave.  Sometimes I feel like this classroom is my world, with God as my teacher.  Don't get me wrong--God's the best teacher there is.  But well, let's be honest...sometimes He goes on and on about subjects we'd rather not listen to.  And there can be SO much homework!  Sometimes it seems as though I'll never get a passing grade in this course and I'll be doomed to repeat it over and over, taking and failing the same tests.  Won't I ever get any smarter?  Won't I ever get to move up to the advanced learner's group?  How about spring break or summer vacation?  I don't know about you, but I can get pretty tired of learning lessons, and really just want to bust open the school doors and run free on the playground.  Heck, most days I'd even settle for a hall pass--just a quick study hall or lunch break, please?  Thankfully, I do get to have those, thanks to my wonderful teens who give me the opportunity to "run away and play" for the day with one of my many amazing friends.  I am so grateful for those passes, aren't you? 

Yes, vacations would be great, but I know that I can be a stubborn child who just thinks she can't learn anymore and succumbs to allowing the dog to eat her homework so she doesn't have to think about it for another day or two...or ten.  I am so grateful to have a teacher who has invested His whole life in me.  And since He's lived for so long, I know He knows a thing or two about patience...and change...And I know he sees changes in me long before I can sense them myself.  And when I do chance to catch a glimpse of those changes, I realize that I am not static, even if I can't feel myself moving in the water.  We can't ever hope to change the shape of the water, but we can definitely feel the water changing and molding us.  And so that is where I am willing to stay, even if the water is colder than my liking and the view from down here is rather murky.  Even if the occasional bit of dirt gets into my eye.  I think if I try hard enough, I can feel a bit of softening around some of my rougher edges...

I once lamented to the heavens that I would never feel good enough, that I would never have accomplished everything that I was meant to do, and that I was a hopeless case.  The answer was instant: "Well, Kim, if you had already done all I set out for you to do, then you'd be up here, now wouldn't you?"  Oh...that's right...I guess the teacher really does know best...

God bless you all today!